I have a story to tell but after two decades of living in silence and enduring so much of the pain alone, I am only beginning to learn how to share what I experienced.

Seriously, only beginning… where to start, what to say, how much to say or not say? I have written, edited, deleted & rewritten so many disjointed thoughts for this post alone, I am beginning to doubt this endeavor before it has even really started! But hey, like the tagline says, “This isn’t always going to be pretty but it will be real…”

First things first, welcome you to Living, 40 & Free. It has been a journey to get to this point and here is a little glimpse into how I landed on the name for this project:

Living – Things that are alive and healthy, grow & mature. For many years, I made the choice, sometimes consciously but often not, to whither and die in order to keep the peace in a difficult marriage. About 5 years ago, I made the very conscious choice to no longer endure but to grow, mature and ultimately live. I think it is fair to say, in the words of Brené Brown, it was my own unravelling.

The truth is that the midlife unraveling is a series of painful nudges strung together by low-grade anxiety and depression, quiet desperation, and an insidious loss of control. By low-grade, quiet, and insidious, I mean it’s enough to make you crazy, but seldom enough for people on the outside to validate the struggle or offer you help and respite. It’s the dangerous kind of suffering – the kind that allows you to pretend that everything is OK.

https://brenebrown.com/blog/2018/05/24/the-midlife-unraveling/

40 – Yes, my unravelling was also midlife. I’m forty years into this journey, half of it spent in an toxic relationship. We got married young, honestly too young, and quickly became parents when our first child was born just over a year later. The next decade was sleep deprived, filled with diapers & hospital visits, fueled by coffee and the sheer will power to put one foot in front of the other! Foggy as some of those memories are, being a father is the biggest joy of my life. Regardless of the relationship I am leaving, my kids are incredible, irreplaceable blessings. Hopefully I still have the best half of my life to be lived!

& FREE – This is something I am still working to understand but want to wholeheartedly embrace. For far too long, I built up defense mechanisms to protect myself and the kids from what was going on…or at least, that is what I thought I was doing. Therapy, hindsight and the little space I’ve had so far have shown me that I still have a ways to go in breaking free of the past dynamics I both endured and participated in. Now that I am physically in my own space, I look forward to continuing to tear down the old patterns and breathe the fresh air of my hard fought freedom.

I spent the last several years trying to unravel the ball of yarn that was my relationship. My desire was to know, with as much certainty as I could, if there was reason to hope my relationship could be untangled or if it was broken beyond repair. Ultimately it proved to be a Gordian Knot, solved only with the cutting of a divorce.

However, in the same way a death certificate is never the cause of death; my divorce was not what ended my marriage. Divorce only announced what I was unable to see for far too long; the covenant marriage I thought I had been trying to work on, never really existed.

The journey to that understanding came through many different places and I am so thankful for each one. These are topics and threads that will develop throughout my posts but for the time being, a few quick nods…

• My Faith – My faith was what both kept me in and got me out of this relationship. Knowing that I am deeply loved & known and called to do the same was foundational. Sadly, at some very crucial points, the message of love and forgiveness were twisted into something that while I believe was well intentioned at the time, eviscerated any hope of progress at some crucial inflection points. I am so thankful for my relationship with my creator.
• My family – They love me dearly and were willing to support me when they didn’t know the depth of what was going on. When I began to open up, they were will to walk along side me, never pushing or demanding but listening and supporting. They knew that it was my journey to walk, or even crawl, at my own pace but had the patience to willingly endure the pain and stay by my side, encouraging me all along. I love you all so much!
• The Therapists – Yes, that is plural. As in several for myself, several for her and several for us as a couple. Some were more helpful than others and some did more damage than good. However, all were part of the journey and in their own way added something that moved me towards a better understanding of the situation. I will say that without the work I was able to do with my own therapist, I would not be standing on as firm a footing as I am today. Thank you for your patience and wisdom!
• My Friends & Community – Humans are relational and are not supposed to do life in solitude. It was not common for me to find people who were willing to listen and take seriously what I was saying. So to those who were willing to enter into the mess without judgement, THANK YOU! I will treasure your friendship dearly. To those who were willing judge me based not on what they heard second hand but saw with their own eyes in my own behavior and character, THANK YOU.
• Various Books & Links – There were many authors, bloggers, podcasters and other thinkers that found their way into my journey through a potpourri of topics that ranged from relationships, faith, personality, psychology and theology. Each of them was important in their own ways and I look forward to the opportunity at some point to tell them how much of an impact they had on my journey!

It has been a long and often lonely journey that has brought me to the point of starting this project of Living, 40 & Free. I hope to end that loneliness not only for myself but also for those who find themselves struggling to breathe in their own situation.

Thank you for stopping by. Please take a moment to catch your breath and know that we do not have to be as alone as we often feel.

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